Whole man behavior Part 2
ByLook at your own relationship. What would thinking and behaving like that do for the two of you? You do that every day. It’s something I call the “sit in” philosophy. You are driving down the road and you begin to have some strong feelings. What would it be like if you said something like this, “Honey I really want to be close with you and right now because of the way this conversation is going, but I am not feeling as close to you as I would like to. Are you feeling as close to me as you would like to?”
Of course, she may replay “What the heck does it have to do with the conversation we’re having right now? I am just talking to you about XYZ.”
You continue to sort out your feelings with your loved one, because this is what we call “Whole Man behavior.” Are you just giving your pain and hurt or are you able to share your true feelings? Go into yourself and share what is inside, instead of commenting on the other person’s behavior. Speaking honestly creates warm feelings and opens you up to more conversation. Isn’t that what you want?
A woman is more responsive to intimacy when she sees you respecting her and going out of your way to make her and the relationship important. Of course, both are responsible for creating the intimacy that both of you want in your sexuality, in your communication, in your daily activities with each other.
People ask me how to begin this process. First, there are two kinds of intimacy.
l. There is intimacy with yourself, and
2. And, there is intimacy with others
Intimacy with yourself is about is getting to know how you think, how you feel, what your body is telling you. So that when someone touches you, you know what works and what doesn’t work. Do you know when your body is stressed so that you can say – honey, my shoulder is tight – would you be willing to rub my shoulders? Or, your body is stressed out and it is time to rejuvenate it. Or, you know that you have tightness in your stomach because of the stress of activity has been too high, when you’re not sleeping. Paying attention to what is going on inside of your body is one example of being intimate with yourself. Another form of intimacy is know what emotions you are having and knowing that no emotion is right or wrong and that life doesn’t mean that you are always supposed to be happy. Recognize all ranges of emotions so that you can truly experience them. That is what being a human being is all about.
The first part of being intimate with someone else is being intimate with you. So, what does this mean? This means that every day you’re driving down the road and reflecting on different things, you take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate what is going on with you. At this point you can clearly identify if something is not going your way and can ask yourself a simple question: “Is this the way I would like it to be? If not, how would I like it?”
Many relationships fail to examine their dynamic and fail to ask honest questions. Instead of wondering what your loved ones answer may be, ask them this honest question directly. The only reason there is hurt in a relationship is because one or both parties are hurting.
If both of you are needy at the same time, there will be conflict. The key is one needs to be understanding while the other one is being understood and the other one needs to be understood while the other is being understanding. Learn to ask the questions that bring out the other individual. How do you emotionally nurture each other? How do you fill each others emotional bank accounts? No individual can satisfy all of the needs and wants – you have to allow other people into your life as well. Are you creating an environment where a nurturing relationship can exist?
You know, honey, right now can I share with you the way I’m feeling? NO, not really because I don’t really care what you have to say. Ok, well what is it that will allow you to listen to me right now? Well, just let me have a moment and then I’ll be ready. Ok, I’m ready. Well, the truth is for me I want to be close to you and I am wanting to find ways for us to do that. Right now, I am not feeling that connected because it seems as if there is something I am doing or something you’re doing that is getting in the way of that. And I don’t want that. But what it is causing me to do is to not want to be close to you. Is that what you want? No, it’s not really what I want – I’m just flustered. I have 14,000 things going on today and none of it went well. Well, what’s going on with you? Well, blah blah. Then, Peg, the ideal would be is that you come back and ask him which he would love which would cause him to give you more of the behavior that you want. Or Michael, what makes you say what you just said. And then answer the question, Michael. Let’s go live now.
You say you need more questions for me to bring you out. Is that right?
Yeh, I want to talk about issues not everything past in the world.
OK, I would be interested in that. That’s important to me too. Notice my affirming language. I am speaking my feelings through my answer. Is that true, Peg?
Yes.
Peg, right here would be the time when he needs another question. OK, here is all you need to do. First of all you have to externally listen which means you have to be present to the moment and not in your own agenda. Will you ever always be that way? No, however, you can be . . . . . What you want to do is to design a question around the key word of his answer. So, what was the key or a key word you heard in his answer and design a question around that.
My comment was, our conversations are based on the peripheral. Everything outside of this relationship, rather than our relationship, talking about us and our problems and our needs and our issues and that’s where I want to go. I don’t care about everyone else out there. I care about us and it’s like you said earlier, about understanding what makes you do this or why you do that.
OK, Michael, what is the one thing you would like to talk about?
A way to add feeling to that so that he gets through to you, Peg., is to say, “that’s important to me Michael too. What is something you would like to talk about. Would that work for you Michael?
Yeh,
See, you just gave him some emotional food there – something from inside you Peg. This is called intimacy. IN TO ME SEE. Peg, what you want to do is to take that again. Repeat what they said. For example, “what I’m hearing you say Michael, you would like me to initiate a special time so that each day we connect with each other. Is that what I’m hearing you say? Try that.
Don’t bring up the past when you’re dealing with a present issue. What do you want to create the canvas of your painting to look like. What colors will you use?
Until I live in the past, do I focus on the present or am I more concerned about the future?
Acknowledge once the persons finished what they said. It give them a feeling of being heard and valued. Do you start skills and stop skills? When to stop and when to start? And when there is a yellow caution light? Work out a signal so that you know when to start and when to stop. Learn to ask neutral questions instead of leading or assumptive questions. What is going on inside of you vs. you seem sad right now, what’s wrong. When a person goes into their feelings allow the focus to be on them vs. you taking the spotlight off of them and putting it on yourself or onto something else.
It allows her to go where ever she wants to go. Instead of you framing it. How can you touch so that you stay connected to your love? Ask what is a way I can show you that I care?
What you do is to continue with very simple processes asking questions, bringing out each other, asking neutral questions that allows the person to bring what is in them, not focused around your agenda and then acknowledging that person, affirming them for their feelings and sharing your own in a tight enough way meaning that you don’t go on and on, that you keep the spotlight on the person and then you do those simple things is you’re going to create the love that is naturally within each of you.
Bill McGrane is President of the McGrane Global Centers creators of the Making it Happen and Move Into Your Greatness. The Centers offers, keynotes, seminars, consulting and products that improve individual and organizational performance. You can create highly responsible teams and produce a culture of responsibility.
