Is Gossip A Self-Esteem Issue?
ByDo you gossip? Do you know anyone who gossips? Have you participated with others who gossip? Does your spouse gossip? Do your children gossip?
There are at least 2,700 magazines published. The next time you go to a supermarket or bookstore, notice how many headlines are all gossip. They attempt to persuade you to scan and buy the magazine to dig deeper into more gossip.
What is the purpose of gossip? My conviction is that if you gossip you put someone “down” in an attempt to put yourself “up”. With gossip, you are attempting, consciously or nonconsciously, to make yourself look and feel better at the expense of others. You may temporarily feel better. Yet, in the long run you will discover that gossip is a form of comparison which damages your Self-Esteem.
In the past, many of us learned about the behavior of Pete Rose, Donald Trump, Roseanne Barr, Charles Keating and thousands of others who were in the gossip spotlight. These people became the topic of conversation for hours, days and months. Family and friends may have become involved in recounting the “scoop” to determine who had the best data and the most recent news.
When I was growing up in a small Pennsylvania town, I listened to and participated in gossip. Many ethnic groups created the climate for gossip. They would speak Italian, Polish, Slovak, and Lithuanian. My parents would gossip about anyone. They had unintact Self-Esteem and attempted to pass on their “put down” comments to their children. My parents did not know that I had relationships with many of the people who belonged in those diverse groups. Therefore, I refused to gossip about them.
If you participate in consistent gossip, it intensifies your pain and influences your relationships. You are likely to associate with like-minded people who love to gossip and eventually you become the focus of gossip. People remember your conversations and gradually avoid you because you welcome every opportunity to share the latest rumors or character assassination information with anyone who will listen. Your Self-Esteem is gradually and continually destroyed.
Someone said recently that the 80′s were the years of greed and the focus of the 90′s is envy. Is it possible that one of the components of gossip is an envy?
Webster defines gossip as – “to indulge in idle talk or rumors about others.” Webster says envy is – “the painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”
Are the 90′s the Age of Envy and Gossip? Many of the seventy-five million Baby Boomers (those born between 1946-1964) attempted to “have it all”. Now they are moving into mid-life, a phase when limits begin to surface. Millions want the fast track to success. They changed jobs and careers in an attempt to get ahead faster. Many frequently moved to more expensive homes as real estate values increased. Now, some Baby Boomers realize that they may need to buy a less expensive home to live in because the real estate and job market has changed. They may also realize that they have not achieved the outcomes they wanted.
Fierce competition in the workplace and a shaky corporate environment has destroyed job security. There are fewer opportunities for new positions, promotions, and perks (extra benefits like bonuses, etc.). What if the economic slowdown continues during the next 10 to 20 years? Will these conditions create a fertile ground for increased gossip and envy?
The stock market crash of 1987 could have been the first bitter downturn. As we move toward the year 2000, many relationships, financial outcomes and career aspirations will be affected. How will this impact everyone’s Self-Esteem?
The magazine Psychology Today said: “Not everyone who expected to own a home or reach other financial aims will realize them.” I say, not everyone who expected to attend undergraduate, graduate or professional school will be able to afford it. Not everyone who expected to reach career objectives set in earlier, less competitive times, will succeed. Not everyone who expected to marry will find a mate. Not everyone who expected to be a parent and deferred childbearing will be able to have a family. Not everyone who simply expected companionship will find someone to be their companion.
These realities can create the environment for more envy and gossip. As disappointment grows and as ambitions and desires are thwarted, social conditions are ripe for a destructive epidemic of envy and gossip.
So, how is Self-Esteem related to gossip? Our definition of Self-Esteem is “The self respect I feel for myself.” My self respect is demonstrated in every word and action I choose when I interact with anyone. Therefore, the person who receives the most punishment, if I gossip, is me. I carry those feelings around with me for the rest of my life. When I choose to release gossip and criticism, my feelings change immediately. My Self-Esteem is more intact, therefore, I respect and accept myself more.
Start now to monitor your conversations. Notice how many times gossip becomes the focus of a discussion. Then pay attention to your feelings afterwards. Are they painful feelings? This is unintact Self-Esteem.
The next time you hear someone gossip, you may want to consider saying: “Mary (use gossiper’s first name), I don’t know anything about that, you may want to talk with John (the center of the gossip) about it.” Say that every time and then watch what happens. Your Self-Esteem will increase and you will participate in more exciting, purposeful conversations.
When you make affirming statements about people, you also create feelings of intact Self-Esteem for yourself. I believe our Self-Esteem determines the choices we make as we communicate with each other. There are six levels of communications:
1. Trivia
2. People talking (can be gossip with unintact Self-Esteem)
3. Opinions
4. Ideas
5. Feelings
6. Plateau communication
Decide now to make only affirming statements about others. It may help you be a more fulfilled human being. I believe you will be healthier. I also believe you could then have more in-depth, mutually beneficial meaningful relationships. I feel you may also enjoy more peace of mind, eliminate scarcity from your life, and experience more abundance.
To better insure freedom from gossip and envy, repeat and take action on these affirmations 3 times a day:
1. I now accept myself totally and unconditionally.
2. I now free myself from all self-destructive criticism.
3. I now give unconditional warm regard to all people at all times.
4. I now show that I am 100% alive by acting with great enthusiasm.
5. I now choose to be completely self-determined and I allow others that same right.
6. I now release all comparison of myself and others.
Notice and release gossip from your conversations and then, watch what happens!
As human beings, we begin our preparation for life as a youth. McGrane Global Centers works with students, ages 8-24 in preparation for LIFE!
